


you were only hiding (and i just want to see you)

by firefall



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Best Friends, Gen, Growing Up, M/M, Or More Accurately: Post-College, Panic Attacks, Soft Gentle Boys, fear of the unknown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:30:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9457364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firefall/pseuds/firefall
Summary: Josh graduates college at the bottom of his class, moves back home, lays down in bed, and never gets up again.Tyler forces the issue.





	

**Author's Note:**

> There once was a time when I didn’t project all of my own emotional/mental issues on band members, but that time is over and now this fic exists.
> 
> Warnings for: some swearing, anxiety, and a panic attack.
> 
> The title is from "Through The Dark" by One Direction because honestly...there's no better song for fic titles lol
> 
> Many thanks to my dear Eva (eavis on AO3) for reading this through for me even though you're not even in the fandom...you're a doll and such a big encouragement to me :)
> 
> NOTE: the only thing I know about Guitar Center is that Josh used to work there, so...sorry.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anyone portrayed in this fic and am making no judgments about their characters or personal lives. Josh, if you see this, just know that I adore you.

Josh graduates college at the bottom of his class, moves back home, lays down in bed, and never gets up again.

The first few weeks are full of friendly faces, his sisters perching cross-legged at the foot of his bed or leaning back in his computer chair with their feet kicked up on the desk as they fill him in on everything he’s missed.  Jordan drops in just as often, offering up his videogames and begging to take Josh driving with his brand new license.  They goad him with family vacations and messages from friends that want to hang out with him, but Josh turns them down every time.  Finally, they just stop asking.

By the time his twenty-second birthday comes around, his mom is the only one who bothers opening his bedroom door.

He knows he’s being ridiculous.  Late at night when the house is quiet and dark, Josh will pull out his laptop and click into Facebook, scrolling through his feed until he has a stomachache.  His friends from college are vibrant and alive, announcing internships, new jobs, and even engagements all while Josh is stuck in his room and terrified out of his mind.  They’re all growing up and moving on and it makes Josh want to cry.

He’s so, so scared.

School had always been the bane of Josh’s existence.  He didn’t have the attention span for classes or the outgoing personality for a big group of friends, but now that he’s finally done with school, all he wants to do is go back.  He could be a kid there – a kid just like all the rest of them, stumbling into lecture halls thirty seconds before class starts or napping in the middle of the student union, hoping no one will step on him.  There were no expectations.  No pressures and judgments and _Joshua, you better get a job before we kick you out!_  

But he’s not at school anymore and his student loans come due in a matter of weeks and every time he searches “job openings in the Columbus area,” he breaks into a cold sweat.  Those searches don’t last long – he can only get through one or two links before he gives up, pulling his blankets up over his head and praying that it’ll all go away. 

The day that Josh receives an email from the bank with “First Payment Due In Thirty Days” as the subject line, there’s a quiet rap on the door.  It makes his body go still in surprise.  His dad and his siblings haven’t tried to visit him in ages and his mom never bothers knocking, so he’s mystified and more than a little nervous.  “Yeah?” he calls and his voice is so scratchy it’s concerning.  He can’t remember the last time he talked to someone other than himself or his mother.  “Who is it?”

Rather than answering, the person flings the door open with a bang, letting the light from the hallway stream in and hurt Josh’s eyes.  His first instinct is to bury his face in his pillow, but he forces himself to refrain once he sees who it is.  “It’s your best friend, stupid,” Tyler says, making a beeline for Josh and yanking his covers right off him.  “And it’s time for you to get out of bed.”

It’s only September but the instant change in temperature makes goosebumps rise on Josh’s skin and he groans, curling into a little ball in the middle of his mattress.  “Stop it,” Josh whines, wishing he was wearing something other than boxers.  “Leave me alone.”

“I _have_ left you alone,” Tyler points out, flicking the lights on.  Josh really does hide his face this time, pressing it so far into the pillow he feels like he might suffocate.  It’s not an unwelcome feeling.  “I went all the way to freaking Colorado to work at that summer camp – it was great, by the way – and when I got home, did you let me come see you?”

Josh doesn’t answer.  It’s a rhetorical question anyway.

Tyler sighs, sounding more resigned than irritated.  “ _No_ ,” he answers his own question.  “You didn’t, Josh.  I let it go for a while since your mom said you were having a rough time, but it’s been long enough.  You gotta snap out of it.”

Now Tyler’s over at Josh’s dresser, rummaging through his clothes.  When Josh finally manages to pull his face out of his pillow, it’s just in time to see his best friend fling a pair of jeans and a button-down shirt in the general direction of the bed.  They land on top of Josh’s bare feet.

“What are you doing?” Josh mumbles, still slightly bleary-eyed.  “Get out of my underwear drawer.”

“I’ll do no such thing,” Tyler retorts, digging around until he comes away with a pair of black boxer briefs and some balled-up white socks.  “We’re going job hunting.”

He says it casually, like it’s no big deal, but it instantly sends a wave of utter _panic_ through Josh’s veins.  It hurts, like his blood is laced with poison.  “No!” he cries, all other words getting stuck behind his teeth in his fear.  He starts shaking again, but not from cold.  “No… _no_!”

This time Tyler doesn’t sigh.  This time he sinks down onto the edge of Josh’s bed and grabs ahold of Josh’s ankle.  His hands are too small to wrap all the way around, but he tries his best, giving it a comforting squeeze.  “I know you don’t want to,” Tyler says softly, his tone gentle like he’s talking to a little kid rather than a college graduate.  Josh is too distressed to be offended.  “Normally I wouldn’t push you, but you’re gonna have bills soon, aren’t you?”

Josh nods wordlessly, his face rubbing against the bed and his lips pressed tightly together.

Tyler nods right back.  “So you don’t really have a choice, dude.  But I’ll come with you…you don’t have to do it alone.”  He doesn’t wait for Josh to answer – it would’ve been another chorus of panicked _no_ ’s anyway – just makes a face instead.  “But you gotta shower, man.  I’m not trying to be mean, but you’re literally disgusting.”

Under normal circumstances, Josh would be beyond mortified that he hasn’t bathed in over a week, but these aren’t normal circumstances.  Which is why he lets Tyler take him by the hands and pull him out of bed, leading him across the hall to the bathroom and clicking the lock with both of them inside.  Tyler hops up onto the counter and settles back against the mirror.  “I’m gonna keep you company,” he says, pulling his phone out of his pocket.  “Make sure you don’t fall asleep in the shower.”

Unbothered, Josh shrugs and strips and ducks behind the curtain.  As he washes his greasy hair and scrubs at his skin, Tyler plays different songs off his phone, telling Josh who they’re by and where he first heard them.  The music combined with the hot water beating down on his head calms him down, unscrambling his brain and putting everything back where it’s supposed to be.  By the time he’s clean and wrapping a towel around his waist, he only feels kind of awful as opposed to completely awful.  He’ll take what he can get.

It really doesn’t make a difference at this point, so Josh doesn’t bother kicking Tyler out while he uses the bathroom, just pees as quickly as possible and hopes his friend doesn’t mind.  Tyler barely even seems to notice, flicking to yet another song and letting it play while Josh gets dressed and tries to sort his hair out.  When he’s as presentable as he gets, zits and curly hair notwithstanding, he squints at his reflection thoughtfully.  “Think I need to shave?” he asks, scratching at his beard.  It’s the longest it’s ever been…not getting out of bed for months will do that to you.

“Nah, you look great,” Tyler disagrees, waving away the question.  “No more stalling.”

Josh wants to argue, wants to poke his lower lip out and whine that he was _not_ stalling, thank you very much, but he doesn’t.  He knows Tyler’s right.

His best friend takes the lead again, fingers tucked loosely into the hem of Josh’s shirt as he pulls him through the house, whisking Josh past gawking siblings and teary parents to grab an entire box of granola bars from the kitchen.  Then it’s out the front door and into the passenger seat of Tyler’s old beat-up car.

Every time Josh thinks about what he’s about to do, his body goes hot with terror.  His stomach is tied in knots, but he hasn’t eaten all day and the box of granola bars is sitting tauntingly in his lap so he eats one anyway.  And then another and another and another until Tyler steals the box from him and chucks it into the backseat, the remaining cereal bars scattering across the floor.  “You’re gonna make yourself sick,” he warns, never taking his eyes off the road.  “I know you feel like crap right now, but you gotta take care of yourself.”

Josh accepts it without argument, folding his hands and letting them rest against his half-full belly.

That is, until Tyler speaks again, fingers tight around the steering wheel.  “I know it feels like your life is over or whatever – or maybe you _want_ it to be over, I don’t know – but you’re only twenty-two, man.  You can’t just stay in bed and let it end now.”

And that’s just…entirely _too_ similar to the bullshit Josh’s mom has been spouting ever since he came home from college.  Hearing it come from Tyler’s mouth – his _best friend’s_ mouth – is enough to make Josh so mad he spits fire.  “Shut up!” he cries, the words so loud in the tiny car that Tyler jumps in his seat, making them swerve on the road.  “Shut the fuck up, Tyler!  It’s my life and if I wanna do nothing with it, that’s on me!”

Tyler and Josh have been friends since they were toddlers in the church nursery together and in all those years, Josh has never once raised his voice at him.  The shock shows on Tyler’s face, his eyes wide and cheeks flaming hot even as he refuses to look in Josh’s direction.  “I’m sorry,” he chokes out and Josh is horrified to hear tears in his voice.  Tears _he_ caused.  “I’m just—I know what it’s like, okay?  I’m trying to help.”

All the fight drains out of Josh as quickly as it came, leaving nothing but fear and regret behind.  “Gosh, Tyler…don’t cry,” he pleads, eyeing the door handle and wondering what would happen if he flung himself into a ditch.  “I didn’t mean it, I’m just so—” He swallows hard and finally admits, “— _scared_.”

Hesitantly, Tyler reaches across the gearshift to lay a hand on Josh’s knee for a few seconds before pulling away again.  “I know,” he whispers, swiping the back of his hand across his mouth.  “And I wasn’t crying.”

It’s a lie but Josh lets him have it.  Tyler deserves that much and more.

Once the silence becomes too much to bear, Josh asks, “Where are we going, anyways?”

“The mall,” Tyler tells him decisively, like he’s planned it all out and, honestly, he probably has.  “A whole bunch of stores are hiring and they’re entry-level positions.  It won’t matter that you’ve never had a job before.”

“I hate the mall,” is all Josh says in reply and Tyler snorts a laugh.  It makes the car feel safe again and Josh is grateful.

However, when they pull into a parking spot outside Sears, Josh’s gratitude is easily eclipsed by anxiety that makes his stomach sink and his chest go tight.  “I don’t wanna do this,” he murmurs, his voice shaky even to his own ears.  “I really don’t.”

He says the last part to himself, since Tyler’s already out his door and coming around to Josh’s side.  Ever the impatient one, Tyler climbs over the hood instead of walking around, but even that’s not enough to make Josh feel better.  He props his elbows on his knees and puts his head in his hands.

The passenger door opens.  One glance at Josh and Tyler makes a tiny sympathetic noise, high-pitched from the back of his throat.  “Just do five,” he says simply, once again grabbing the hem of Josh’s shirt and coaxing him out of the car.  “Just get five applications and I’ll buy you the biggest freaking milkshake you’ve ever had in your life.”

Josh perks up at that, but only slightly.  “Promise?”

“Yeah, I promise,” Tyler swears, ushering them along before Josh can decide to freak out again.  “Whatever flavor you want.”

“Strawberry,” Josh says and they step through the giant double doors.

The mall is huge, loud, and overwhelming, but Tyler doesn’t let Josh think about it.  He puts a hand on each of Josh’s shoulders from behind and pushes him forward, steering him into the Sears outlet store that’s right next to the entrance.  They must look a sight – Josh is practically digging his feet into the floor while Tyler mutters _go go go you can do it_ and shoves with all his might – but neither of them really notices, too caught up to register anything but the task at hand.

“The sign by the door says to go to customer services,” Tyler is saying, breath ghosting against the back of Josh’s neck.  “So that’s what we’re gonna do.”

“What _I’m_ gonna do is barf,” Josh tells him, but Tyler doesn’t even dignify it with a response.

The service desk is tucked in the back, away from the crowds.  Josh had been hoping for a line – preferably one all the way out the door – so that he could take a moment to collect himself and get his bearings, but the universe hates him and there’s not a single person waiting.  Behind him, Tyler is unrelenting, dropping his hands to the middle of Josh’s back and giving him one last almighty shove toward the desk.  “Go get ‘em!” Tyler says, slapping Josh’s butt like they’re in the middle of a basketball game, not teetering on the edge of Josh’s doom.  “You’ve got this!”

But Josh does not, in fact, have this.  What Josh has is a panic attack, his breath coming in short gasps and his vision going spotty as he stumbles blindly away from Tyler, ending up in the furniture section surrounded by bright white bedding that makes his head hurt.  It’s not the first time Josh has broken down in front of Tyler – and it probably won’t be the last – so his best friend knows what to do, sitting them down on the floor so they can breathe together.  Tyler’s forehead is resting against Josh’s and his fingers are wrapped gently around Josh’s wrists, calming the tremors in his hands. 

When Josh can finally breathe again, his shirt is sticking to him with sweat.  “It’s going too fast,” he gasps out, unsure whether he’s talking about his breathing, their quest for applications, or life in general.  It’s probably a toxic mixture of all three.

“Then let’s slow down a sec,” Tyler murmurs, eyes soft, and the next thing Josh knows they’re lying down side by side on one of the Sears display beds.  This time he _knows_ they look a sight, but he just turns on his side and hides his face in Tyler’s shoulder.  If he closes his eyes, he can pretend they’re the only people in the entire store.

Tyler lets them stay there for a few minutes, only pulling away when Josh says he’s ready.  This time, Tyler accompanies Josh to the desk, standing by with an encouraging smile on his lips while Josh shakily asks for an application and listens to the employee’s spiel about the hiring process.  As they exit the store into the mall’s bustling hallway, Josh is shocked to find that he survived.

It’s easier after that.  He’s nervous but not panicky, enquiring at service desks and checkout counters, his questions being met with smiles and patient answers.  A snooty lady at some random clothing store gives him the up-and-down and tells him he’d be better off going elsewhere, but that’s the only hiccup and Josh takes it in stride, pulling Tyler from the store by the hand before his friend can defend his honor.

“What’s her damage?” Tyler spits, nose wrinkling in anger.  “She can’t talk to you like that!”

“She already did,” Josh points out, but he’s mostly unaffected.  He wouldn’t want to work at a place like that anyway.

By the time they get to Guitar Center, Josh has collected four applications and is confident enough to leave Tyler by the entrance and approach the counter by himself.  The atmosphere in the music store is chill and almost hushed, despite the teenagers excitedly pulling their favorite albums from the shelves and the girl testing one of the keyboards in the corner.  She’s really good, her fingers flying over the keys with purpose, and suddenly, Josh desperately wants to work there.

The feeling only gets stronger when he’s greeted warmly by a man with brightly-colored hair that Josh wishes he was cool enough to pull off.  They talk for a few minutes about job openings and music – Josh casually throws in that he plays the drums and the trumpet – and soon enough Josh is on his way, marching toward Tyler with application #5 held out in front of him like a trophy.

“Guess who fucking did it!” Josh cries, too excited to censor himself.  He chucks the papers at Tyler’s face, cackling when his friend scrambles to catch them before they hit the ground.  “It’s _me_.”

“It’s you,” Tyler agrees, throwing his arms around Josh’s neck right there in the middle of the mall and clinging to him like a baby koala.  “I’m so proud of you!”

Just like he promised, Tyler takes Josh to the food court and buys him the biggest strawberry milkshake he’s ever had in his life.  It’s much too large for one person, so they take turns with it, swapping back and forth until it’s finally gone.  Then Tyler licks the straw clean and curls his lip up, holding the plastic there like a mustache while Josh laughs and takes pictures with his phone.  As Josh sends the best one to Instagram – aptly captioned _i’m in love with him_ – he decides that growing up isn’t so bad as long as you’re not alone.

_-_-_-_ 

It only takes six weeks of working at Guitar Center for Josh to be dubbed employee of the month, an accolade that Tyler takes very seriously, showing up during one of Josh’s shifts to present him with a Burger King crown covered in juvenile drawings of musical instruments.  Josh’s coworkers think it’s hilarious, bowing to him whenever they pass and calling him “Your Highness.”  It’s funny and easy and it makes Josh tear up, though he nearly bites through his bottom lip trying to hide it.

Late one evening as Josh is closing up shop, Tyler arrives just in time to hear Josh give the five-minute warning over the intercom.  It’s pointless since he’s the only one in the store, but it’s fun to hear his voice echoing over the loudspeakers.  It makes him feel like the Wizard of Oz. 

Tyler loves it, too.  “That’s so sick,” he says, ducking behind the checkout counter to flop into Josh’s lap.  Josh doesn’t fight it, just hugs him around the waist and buries his face between Tyler’s sharp shoulder blades.  He gave up a long time ago on ever teaching Tyler professionalism.  Besides, all of Josh’s coworkers love Tyler, even his boss.

The last few minutes before closing pass slowly, the two boys falling into comfortable silence.  When it becomes obvious that no one is going to duck in for a last-minute purchase, Tyler finally speaks up, drumming his fingers against the counter.  “Did you ever think you’d be here?” he asks, tone earnest.

“Where?” Josh jokes, shifting in his chair a little.  “Underneath your bony butt?”

It makes Tyler screech out a single surprised _HA!_ before he claps a hand over his mouth to muffle it.  “No!” he cries and Josh doesn’t have to see his face to know he’s rolling his eyes.  “No, I mean, like…back when you were stuck in your room, did you ever think you’d end up with a job you love that pays your school bills and doesn’t make you cry in the bathroom every day?”

It sounds flippant, but Josh knows it’s not.  No one knows more about crying in bathrooms than Tyler Joseph.

“Definitely not,” Josh admits.  Tyler hasn’t stopped tapping a rhythmless beat into the countertop and Josh mimics it against Tyler’s belly.  “I guess you were right, Ty…I guess my life really wasn’t over.”

“ _Told you_ ,” Tyler sing-songs, but it’s gentle and so full of care that Josh feels nothing but warm all the way down to his toes.  “I may be an idiot, but sometimes I do actually know what I’m talking about.”

They turn the lights off and lock up before stumbling out to the parking lot, pulling their hoods up against the autumn chill.  When Tyler jumps onto Josh’s back without warning, demanding to be carried to his car because his feet hurt, Josh just hooks his hands behind Tyler’s knees to hold him steady.  It doesn’t feel very much like growing up, at least not how Josh has always heard it, but it does feel like _together_ and he doesn’t let go until he absolutely has to.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! xoxo


End file.
